On the couch: Your First World problems sorted by our agony aunt Albi

Keep Things Local Chiswick Locals Albi

Albi, the Local’s resident agony aunt, offers words of wisdom. True, he is a dog but that doesn’t mean Albi can’t see sense! Far from it. After a life of globetrotting with his glamorous companion Lavinia von Schneider, Albi the Talking Dog has settled for good in Brackenbury Village. Now he’s ready to Give Something Back to our readers.

My partner is the biggest chatterbox ever. What makes it worse is that on the rare occasions I do manage to get a word in edgeways, he stares at me vacantly. It’s as if he is not listening to a word I say (Phoebe A-S, Cardross Street, W6; and 22 others)

I don’t accept circulars.

Help! I’m clinically depressed. My neighbour’s house is worth more than mine.

For Lord’s sake, man up a little.

It’s taken me 15 traffic-light changes to get through Hammersmith roundabout. The M4 is backed up solid to Cherry Blossom Roundabout. Some idiot in a Skoda has his backside in my lane because he can’t squeeze into that petrol station, and I’m 80 yards as the crow flies from where I set off this morning: three-quarters of an hour back.

I find it often helps if someone rubs my tummy. Another handy standby is to take a little walk. Do you see any lampposts where you are?

Although I love my romps with the three guys…

Next!

I’m quite young and at the end of the month I seem to have no money.

Don’t spend your time in bars, you daft millennial! Do the maths: glass of warm wine: £8.95; pint of Oggles Craft: £6.80; 18 measly peanuts: £3. Then you swallow a microburger
– and we’re £8,526.48 down in 10 minutes – on a snack. Either scavenge in bins, like me; or, work for a hedge fund, like everyone else in your street. Or, last resort, go food shopping – and learn to cook. How hard can it be?

I’m a bit older. What advice can you give hard-working families who are just about managing?

Now we’re talking. Try wearable stickers that promote healing. Made from the same conductive carbon-material that NASA used for space-suit lining, they produce wellness. By
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Best fitted in armpits. But do remove them sometimes – remember Shirley Eaton in Goldfinger?
However, when it comes to detox, my credo is that candida can be a parasite. When your family’s vibrational field is low, their health system is more susceptible to parasites. In my experience, an eight-day, mono-diet goat-milk cleanse – accompanied by a specific vermifuge – of anti-parasitic herbs – works wonders.
Anything else?

Editor: Yes, what’s your Top Tip?

Always try for another meal. Pretend you haven’t been fed.

Email your dilemas to albi@keepthingslocal.com